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 Post subject: The Motherfucking Flash
PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 1:16 pm  
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The Motherfucking Flash
Now, I don't know how many of you dogs of the scurviest sea read comics, but I do a big pile of comics. One thing that blows my mind is how completely insane the powers in the DC universe are. Look at Superman. This guy has more powers than French restaurants have ways to say "your taste in wine is atrocious". He has powers to do with every part of his body and then some. He forgets powers sometimes. He can shoot heat rays out of his eyes, frost breath from his mouth and red son radiation from his ass. He's that sort of crazy dude. All because he absorbs solar radiation.

Look at Batman. His power? The anti-power. Sure, he should be some tame, kung fu master of not much, but instead he's the hottest shit to ever shit on a plate. You got a power? He'll find your weakness and give you seizures or heart attacks. He'll light you on fire when you're sleeping or make you recharge your green lantern ring in the power outlet. Ten thousand volts of fuck you batman. That's Batman.

But the fucking Flash, my god, my FUCKING GOD, this man has the greatest powers of all. If Superman's powers are being sucked off by twin super models and batman coming home to discover your wife is not only bisexual but has two friends she wants you to 'get in on' then the Flash is an orgy with a thousand women who also want to pay your World of Warcraft billing. And click the mouse for you. This man is just that fucking hot. They have to power him down in the comics half the time just to keep him from doing everyone else's job.

Ok first off, he can travel at light speed. Mother fuck! Not only does he travel at light speed, but time slows down for him. So he feels like he's having a casual jog or reading the paper, meanwhile, his feet are moving so fast you can hear him coming from Montana while he's already gotten to Arizona. That's fucking fast. But wait! The ability to move at Light Speed just isn't fucking enough!

I know! Christ this guy can punch you so many times in a second you've been hit five times in the cock and two times everywhere else. You think you're about to fight the Flash and then it hits you, for the last split second he's beaned your beanbags with more blows than you had sperm. But no, there's more!

The Flash can also vibrate through walls. Now last I heard, you can not move so fast you can vibrate through walls, so what actually happens is the Flash is so fast he can pick and choose the movement of his individual molecules and move them through other solid objects, phasing through solid matter like it ain't no thing. I mean you think a guy who runs at light speed would run into shit but no, the Flash just goes right through them. To top that with a cherry and some whipped cream (which the Flash made in like a millisecond, fucker) he can selectively choose to cause objects to be "okay" afterwards or FUCKING EXPLODE. That's right. He can run through you and make you blow up by transferring kinetic energy into you. Like Jesus. IT's bad enough you can't hit this guy, but he doesn't even have to punch you. Now your testicles have exploded and you're thinking you're about to hit him. Jesus? Just give it up. He's the fucking Flash.

Now imagine that somehow there's someone who can get around the Flash blowing your balls up secret ninja technique. Ok. He can also control the flow of energy between objects. This power makes no sense but basically he can throw a rock at you, and you think it's going slow and then he's like WHOOHOOO WIZARDLY FLASH POWERS and bam it's going at light speed. So he can throw seven million rocks at you in a second then make them all goes different speeds thus striking your nads with seven million rocks one after the other.

But wait! There's more! He can also take energy from the very power of speed and make clothes out of it. Yes. Flash makes his pants out of GOES FAST. The man is so fast he can make Flash pants that GOES FAST go right into. I don't even start to understand the physics of that but basically SPEED == REALLY TIGHT UNDERWEAR AND COOL LIGHTNING THINGIES OVER THE EAR. You would think this is the end of it but ok let's say Flash is fighting Superman and shit he's going to lose and FUCK how is Superman THIS fucking strong? I don't know he must be Superman fused with Batman into some sort of guy with tons of plans on how to punch you far harder than anyone else ok to end it off the Flash can GO BACK OR FORWARD IN TIME ON COMMAND.

How do you beat this dude? You're thinking you're hashing him good, laying down the beat-down, missing your balls and suddenly BAM YOUR MOM FELL DOWN THE STAIRS TWENTY YEARS AGO and there's a dent in your forehead and Superman not thunk so gud no more. Actually she didn't fall down the stairs the Flash put speed into them so they fell up her! Fuck you Flash! You moved the stairs to Soviet fucking Russia! RUSH-A! Bitch.

Oh, and lastly his greatest power is he isn't fast in bed. He takes it slow and gets all the ladies with his superpowers then actually satisfies them in the sack. Who the Hell is this guy? You'd think he could AT LEAST be a premature ejaculator since his penis is moving at light speed but NOOOO he's even good in bed.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Wolverine sucks cock and should go die in a freak grease fire.


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 Post subject: Re: The Motherfucking Flash
PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 1:19 pm  
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What.....the.....fuck.....


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 Post subject: Re: The Motherfucking Flash
PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 1:28 pm  
Joined: Sat Feb 26, 2005 2:13 am
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Location: Little Elm, TX
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I'm to full from Jaspers to laugh hard at this.


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 Post subject: Re: The Motherfucking Flash
PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 1:50 pm  
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Oh and from one former comic book nerd to another....

DC has always, and will always suck monster sperm whale dick.

I'm sorry, but some of those DC characters were the stupidest fucking thing some drunken hack came up with in the middle of one of his binges. They had about as much depth as the dead sea does.

Of course, you hit on the big 3 and completely ignore the retarded fucking ones.

Aquaman: "Hey! Get over here and step in this water so I can beat your ass! Come here! Please?!!?!?!"

Wonder Woman: "With my mighty lasso of truth I shall find out which of the Desperate Housewives have cheated on their husbands!"

Robin: Oh good God I don't even talk about this one.

Wonder Twins: Sorry, I realize they were first created in the Hanna-Barbara cartoon, but DC was desperate and stupid enough to bring these two twits (and their stupid fucking monkey) to the comic world. Seriously, come on!!! Batman: "Dear lord I have never been so thirsty in my life!" Zan&Jayna: "Wonder Twin powers...ACTIVATE!" Zan: "Form of a tall glass of water!" Jayna: "Transform into some meaningless fucking flying animal to bring the glass of water to Batman!"

Green Lantern: HIS WEAKNESS IS THE FUCKING COLOR YELLOW FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!!!!

Green Arrow: George Papp: "FUCK! Green Lantern sucks! We need to make him more like Batman! Give him a sidekick or something!" Mort Weisenger: "Who the fuck would want to work with someone scared of the color yellow?" Papp: "I DON'T KNOW THINK FAST!" Weis: "FUCK FINE! How about the GREEN ARROW?!?!" Papp: "Oh that's clever! I like that! Wait....why Green though?" Weis: "Hell if I know! I'll give him a green costume!!!"

Shazam! Must....control.....laughter.......BAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAAAAA!

Lex Luther: "My power?!?! Well I am the greatest criminal mind of all time(tm)! That's my power, bitch!" And this is the villain cast apart from one of the most powerful DC heroes...

I could seriously go on forever, so let me boil it down to my FAVORITE DC practice:

"Fuck we need some new characters, and I'm retarded and fresh out of fucking ideas!"
"I got it! Let's just attach "boy" and "girl" and "woman" after our EXISTING heroes names and we're golden!"
"OMFG GENIUS!!!! WE CAN DOUBLE AND TRIPLE ALL OF OUR CHARACTERS THAT WAY!"
/highfive

Superman --> Supergirl, Superboy, Superwoman (yes there is actually girl AND woman)
Batman --> Batboy, Batgirl, Batwoman
Wonder Woman --> Wonderboy (God help us)
Aquaman --> Aquagirl, Aquaduck (yes, look it up), Aquaboy

DC comics were for children, and for a reason. Now I realize much later Neil Gaiman and many like him came an injected a much more mature version of the DC characters, but that just goes to show you how fucking shallow and empty they were beforehand. They were silly.

The Flash was certainly cool, and quite possibly one of the ONLY DC characters I truly enjoyed. Comparing him to Wolverine is just asinine. They are nothing alike. Compare him to his Marvel counterpart instead, Quiksilver. Hate to admit it but I always liked Quiksilver better because he had a horrible mean streak that was related to his power. To him (and likely to The Flash as well) the entire world moved slower. It wasn't just about him being faster. For instance, it would take him a fraction of a second to go find a particular library book and be back in his car cruising home. It would take a librarian about 3 minutes to accomplish the same task, and that type of shit drove him mad.

Getting back to the GREAT villain that is all over the DC universe:

Magneto > Lex
Apocalypse > Lex
Dr. Doom > Lex
Dr. Octopus > Lex
Galactus > Lex

Hulk > Superman
Iron Man > Batman (although I hated them both as a kid)
Storm > Wonder Woman
Howard the Duck > Green Arrow/Lantern


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 Post subject: Re: The Motherfucking Flash
PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 4:40 pm  
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Priests can heal?
Joined: Tue Feb 22, 2005 11:01 am
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see ya next week, fuck ass

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ass


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 Post subject: Re: The Motherfucking Flash
PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 5:36 pm  
Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2005 8:34 am
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Green Lantern: HIS WEAKNESS IS THE FUCKING COLOR YELLOW FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!!!!

Now THAT'S racist!!!! LOL

ME: Fuck you green lantern, eat yellow power!!!!


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 Post subject: Re: The Motherfucking Flash
PostPosted: Wed Jun 10, 2009 1:43 pm  
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Wolverine > The Flash

Wolverine wouldn't even have to fight The Flash to win... Logan would pull up a chair and watch The Flash die of old age... fuck ass!

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 Post subject: Re: The Motherfucking Flash
PostPosted: Thu Jun 18, 2009 1:24 pm  
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Although if time moves slower for The Flash, Wolverine would be waiting a long time for him to get old...


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 Post subject: Re: The Motherfucking Flash
PostPosted: Thu Jun 18, 2009 2:33 pm  
Joined: Tue Sep 25, 2007 5:51 pm
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Location: Addison, TX
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Occulte wrote:
What.....the.....fuck.....


You forgot Captain America, the greatest propaganda of all time :P


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 Post subject: Re: The Motherfucking Flash
PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 12:07 pm  
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Occulte wrote:
Oh and from one former comic book nerd to another....
Wonder Twins: Sorry, I realize they were first created in the Hanna-Barbara cartoon, but DC was desperate and stupid enough to bring these two twits (and their stupid fucking monkey) to the comic world. Seriously, come on!!! Batman: "Dear lord I have never been so thirsty in my life!" Zan&Jayna: "Wonder Twin powers...ACTIVATE!" Zan: "Form of a tall glass of water!" Jayna: "Transform into some meaningless fucking flying animal to bring the glass of water to Batman!"


http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2002/06/12/


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 Post subject: Re: The Motherfucking Flash
PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 8:09 pm  
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Tell your mom thanks
Joined: Wed Oct 11, 2006 12:38 pm
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BWAHAHAHA


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 Post subject: Re: The Motherfucking Flash
PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:20 pm  
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Joined: Tue Feb 22, 2005 2:31 pm
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Holy shit!!!

HAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHHA!


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